Posted: Monday, October 10, 2016 at
7:41:11 AM |
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edited by: Gunpower61 on
Monday, October 10, 2016 at
8:15:00 AM
One of our members ( Peter2005 ) asked it was possible to open a section for a joke, i think it is a good idea. So i opened this topic where members can post a joke now and then. It is sticky topic. Have fun :)
Gordo
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Posted: Friday, October 14, 2016 at
12:37:24 AM |
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edited by: Gordo on
Friday, October 14, 2016 at
12:42:00 AM
Have to start it with this one... as only can be told by the incomparable Gary Muledeer:
Gunpower61
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Posted: Friday, October 14, 2016 at
11:35:51 AM |
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Thanks for sharing, good one :)
argon
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Posted: Sunday, October 16, 2016 at
7:18:36 AM |
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This is a Doctor I know from the UK doing a cycling tour around some parts of America
Posted: Sunday, October 16, 2016 at
8:01:07 AM |
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Thanks Argon, nice one :)
link reflog
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Posted: Wednesday, October 19, 2016 at
6:13:58 AM |
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I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky
I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon
I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon
It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez
After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.
As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?'
'Yes', Robert answered
'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?'
'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.
'Well', said the policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?'
Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'
Gunpower61
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Posted: Wednesday, October 19, 2016 at
6:37:38 AM |
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Good ones Dave, thanks for sharing.
argon
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Posted: Wednesday, October 19, 2016 at
6:56:36 AM |
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We actually used to play with one guy who could not see very well , very keen golfer , he used to say after he hit a drive " that sounded like a slice " :)
Gunpower61
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Posted: Wednesday, October 19, 2016 at
11:08:35 AM |
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Lol, nice one argon, thanks for sharing .
Gunpower61
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Posted: Thursday, December 1, 2016 at
12:24:44 PM |
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edited by: Gunpower61 on
Thursday, December 1, 2016 at
12:28:00 PM
This joke was provided by Peter2005, thanks Peter, good one :)
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
''That''s nice,'' she thinks, ''but I want more.''
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
''Wow,'' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
''Oh, mercy me!'' she exclaims, ''I can hardly stand it!'' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store''s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules. (READ ON)
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
Gunpower61
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Posted: Monday, December 5, 2016 at
11:59:15 AM |
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edited by: Gunpower61 on
Monday, December 5, 2016 at
11:59:00 AM
This joke was provided by Peter2005, thanks Peter, good one.
The English language:
I have always been told :
"Your job in life is very dependent on how you perceive and describe it.
This was brought home to me the other night when I talked to on old friend of mine on the telephone and asked him what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on a project involving the aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel in a highly constrained environment. I was quite impressed.
Upon further inquiry, however, I found out he was washing the dinner dishes under his wife''s supervision."
Peter2005
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Posted: Thursday, December 8, 2016 at
6:42:48 AM |
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WEATHER WARNING
A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.
I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning.
Me of all people.
Peter2005 Signature
Peter Swansea. UK.
Gunpower61
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Posted: Thursday, December 8, 2016 at
3:13:27 PM |
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Nice one Peter, thanks for sharing :)
Peter2005
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Posted: Friday, December 9, 2016 at
6:29:20 AM |
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This is what 70+ year old's have to look forward to. This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Peter2005 Signature
Peter Swansea. UK.
Gunpower61
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Posted: Saturday, December 10, 2016 at
7:01:49 AM |
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Lol, another good one Peter, thanks for sharing.
Gunpower61
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Posted: Saturday, December 10, 2016 at
10:12:50 AM |
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edited by: Gunpower61 on
Saturday, December 10, 2016 at
10:14:00 AM
Another good video provided by Peter2005. A dog with great skills. Click on link below:
Posted: Tuesday, December 13, 2016 at
1:25:45 AM |
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edited by: Hyno Designs on
Tuesday, December 13, 2016 at
1:56:00 AM
Scotland in December inspired, this pure insanity, which I am guilty of designing.
This was the concept of the entire video, it takes Van de Velde like 10 minutes to play 1 shot after his tee shot in the playoff, actually had to cut the footage. The 18th and than the 1st playoff hole took like 50 minute to play. (use the entire Pink Floyd soundtrack of the song Time for him to hit 1 shot) To me it is the best footage ever recorded in Golf, it is just insane, than he just marches and keeps walking all over the place, it just so crazy.
Van de Velde is actually late for the Playoff, Lawrie and Leonard are waiting on the 15th hole, while Jean went back to the Hotel to change clothes. So they wait like 15 minutes for Van de Velde to show up, hence the footage of him riding in the cart. Pure Madness...
argon
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Posted: Tuesday, December 13, 2016 at
7:07:20 AM |
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Hyno Designs said:
"Scotland in December inspired, this pure insanity, which I am guilty of designing.
This was the concept of the entire video, it takes Van de Velde like 10 minutes to play 1 shot after his tee shot in the playoff, actually had to cut the footage. The 18th and than the 1st playoff hole took like 50 minute to play. (use the entire Pink Floyd soundtrack of the song Time for him to hit 1 shot) To me it is the best footage ever recorded in Golf, it is just insane, than he just marches and keeps walking all over the place, it just so crazy.
Van de Velde is actually late for the Playoff, Lawrie and Leonard are waiting on the 15th hole, while Jean went back to the Hotel to change clothes. So they wait like 15 minutes for Van de Velde to show up, hence the footage of him riding in the cart. Pure Madness...
"
I watched this Live and Peter Ellis a BBC commentator said it was a big mistake before he attempted to hit that shot and lets face it for the prize and Trophy involved it was a Bad Caddie , the Caddie should have just forced him to hit say ? a 9 iron to the fairway then probably another 9 iron to the green, 10% of the Winner`s fee goes to the Caddie # Bad Mistake.
Gunpower61
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Posted: Tuesday, December 13, 2016 at
12:24:40 PM |
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Very nice, thanks for sharing :)
Peter2005
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Posted: Friday, January 13, 2017 at
6:21:29 AM |
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I hope that this one does not offend anyone. Apologies if it does.
The Beauty of been Old and Hard at hearing, read On.
Are my testicles black ?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about them She raises his gown,holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
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