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Peter2005
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  Joined: 2/3/2005
  B-Day: 10/29/1939 (77)
  Posts: 87
 
 
Posted: Friday, January 13, 2017 at 6:21:29 AM | IP Logged

I hope that this one does not offend anyone. Apologies if it does.


The Beauty of been Old and Hard at hearing, read On.



Are my testicles black ?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about them She raises his gown,holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - My -Test - Results – Back?"

 
 
 
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Peter
Swansea. UK.

 
 
 

 
Gunpower61
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Posted: Friday, January 13, 2017 at 12:01:39 PM | IP Logged

Lol, good one Peter, thanks for sharing :)
 
 
 
 
 

 
Peter2005
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Wales
 
  Joined: 2/3/2005
  B-Day: 10/29/1939 (77)
  Posts: 87
 
 
Posted: Thursday, February 02, 2017 at 6:17:27 AM | IP Logged

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law
If you change queues (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.



6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. 
 
 
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Peter
Swansea. UK.

 
 
 

 
Gunpower61
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Posted: Thursday, February 02, 2017 at 11:39:25 AM | IP Logged

Nice one Peter, thanks for sharing :) 
 
 
 
 

 
Peter2005
General Member
Wales
 
  Joined: 2/3/2005
  B-Day: 10/29/1939 (77)
  Posts: 87
 
 
Posted: Saturday, March 11, 2017 at 5:44:14 AM | IP Logged

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown Ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact Change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries And a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and Pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the Ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket And places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to Always come up with the exact change in your Pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me Two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had To pay for anything, I would just put my hand In my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people Would ask for a Million Dollars or something, But you'll always be as rich as you want for as Long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second Wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long Legs who agrees with everything I say.."

WELL HELLO!  
 
 
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Peter
Swansea. UK.

 
 
 

 
Gunpower61
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Posted: Saturday, March 11, 2017 at 9:32:15 AM | IP Logged

Loool, another great one, thanks for sharing Peter :) 
 
 
 
 

 
Peter2005
General Member
Wales
 
  Joined: 2/3/2005
  B-Day: 10/29/1939 (77)
  Posts: 87
 
 
Posted: Friday, April 21, 2017 at 7:55:26 AM | IP Logged

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated,

"You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,

"But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on . . .did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?
 
 
 
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Peter
Swansea. UK.

 
 
 

 
Gunpower61
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Posted: Friday, April 21, 2017 at 12:08:43 PM | IP Logged

Great one Peter, thanks for sharing :) 
 
 
 
 

 
Peter2005
General Member
Wales
 
  Joined: 2/3/2005
  B-Day: 10/29/1939 (77)
  Posts: 87
 
 
Posted: Thursday, May 11, 2017 at 9:01:17 AM | IP Logged

One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.


He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.


Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT!

... Don't be SO dissgusting!


The duck said, "I am a DRAKE,

You made MITHTAKE!!" 
 
 
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Peter
Swansea. UK.

 
 
 

 
Gunpower61
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Posted: Thursday, May 11, 2017 at 12:08:40 PM | IP Logged

Lol, another great one Peter, thanks for sharing :)
 
 
 
 
 

 
Peter2005
General Member
Wales
 
  Joined: 2/3/2005
  B-Day: 10/29/1939 (77)
  Posts: 87
 
 
Posted: Wednesday, May 31, 2017 at 8:01:02 AM | IP Logged

Subject: Walking on grass



The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity just can't be taught.
 
 
 
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Peter
Swansea. UK.

 
 
 

 
Gunpower61
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Posted: Wednesday, May 31, 2017 at 8:42:28 AM | IP Logged

Nice one Peter, thanks for sharing :) 
 
 
 
 

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